Technology is a wonderful thing, sometimes. Back in the day, if one lost contact with someone, that was that. Lives moved on, and perhaps a chance meeting would occur on some random day. Now, if you happen to be a creature of habit like myself, you will retain the same cell phone number for years. Decades.  Which means, people who kept your number would be able to track you down easily.

I love catching up with people from varsity days. It is fascinating witnessing old friends embrace different roles in their lives; from students to wives (and husbands) and mothers (and fathers). The awkwardness only comes once the questions are tossed back at me: “And you? Are you married?” (along with its cousin “Why not?”)

Why not. I’ve been answering That Question the same way for the past 10 years (since varsity). Sometimes I get bored with answering the ‘Why not?’ with the same shrug, and I try to spice up the answer a bit. I might go with:

1. It’s probably my scary resting face (or as the pater familias says when we ask why he’s frowning, “I’m just ugly”), or
2. My nomadic tendencies run pathologically deep, or
3. The only brothas noticing a sister are creepy stalker-types, or dudes old enough to be my father (albeit teenage fathers in most cases), or
4. I’m probably not the correct height/melanin-concentration/weight/accent/hair texture/shoe-size/car-type owner/etc/ad nauseum. Or any combination of 3 or more of the above.
5. Or maybe, just maybe, it might be the Lord’s will.

Huh. Ain’t that a thought? It might just be the Lord’s will. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to be stuck in something that the Lord has been saying no to. When Jesus says no, then who in the Sam Hill would I be trying to get a yes from? Think about it.

It was this epiphany that prompted me, at the beginning of 2018, to look for God’s hand in the course of my life, and to try resting in the knowledge that He is sovereign over all the seasons of my life. I finally figured out that crying over what had not yet taken place in my life, was a form of unbelief. Basically, by my wailing and gnashing of teeth, I was revealing that I was not trusting God; that I didn’t believe I was where He wanted me to be. I made the decision to be more thankful for what I did have. Also, marriage is not an inevitable step in all of our lives. I truly could be one of those called to a life of singleness. It’s a possibility.

I wish I had thought about all this 10 years ago. What a waste of a decade. But hope sprang eternal, I guess. And I digress.

And so, it transpired that when yet another mzakes* of an acquaintance asked me That Question, I could confidently and boldly reply, “It seems the Lord wills the single life for me”.

To which he replied, “That is not true.”

Hawu. Kanti, if the Lord might have willed the single life for me (and it IS true, since He definitely wills it for me for this day, amen somebody?!) who are we mere mortals to dispute it? I was truly tickled. Especially since it came from a fellow believer in Christ.

The whole exchange just reminded me once more and againt how invested we are in The Script. You know The Script? The one that everyone seems to have? The one that prescribes the “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes xyz”. Except if you have African parents, it was “first come books, then come books, then I’d better not see you with a boy until you get married and bear my grandchildren”. That Script.

And anyone who doesn’t live The Script is suspect: the world doesn’t quite know what to do with single people in their 30s, especially us ladies. Our unmarriedness somehow needs to be explained away.

For it is written in the book of Adulthood chapter 2 verse 1: “It is ordained for woman once of age, to be joined in holy matrimony to a spouse. And should spouse-ation not occur by the age of 30, then it rests upon all and sundry to assume that said woman is being too picky and is suspect. For all women shall measure their woman-ness by the status of their relationship, or the absence thereof.”

The insidious implication of the above is that unless we all are married and have children, we have no purpose in this life. We may as well not have existed. Even if we do not say it in so many words, I think a lot of us subconsciously believe this. I know I’ve thought this. It’s a lie. A lie that keeps us from seeking God’s will for our lives now, in the hopes that it will all suddenly be revealed on the wedding day. Those on the other (married) side assure me that no such magic happens.

So let us live wisely now. Let us seek God now, married or not. And let me go now and repent of the years I wasted pining, because I know I’m preaching to myself.

Can you relate to unnecessarily being held up to the Script? I speak here of the unmarried, but maybe for you it’s “When you gon’ have a baby??”

Let a sister know in the comments below.

*Mzakes=mzalwane=Christian

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